Everyone has different strengths and challenges when it comes to relationships, even if we’re not always aware of them. The questions below are designed to highlight your personal challenges, and provide feedback as to what you can do in order to enjoy better, more satisfying relationships.
Please answer all of the questions as honestly as you can, and if you're not sure, guess! If an item doesn't seem to apply to you (for instance, if it asks about your parents but they are no longer living, or about a past partner and you haven't had any), just put down your best guess as to what the answer might be if it did apply to you.
1) I know who I am, and what I believe in.
2) My personality stays the same, no matter who I'm with.
3) My actions usually reflect my true beliefs, regardless of what others expect of me.
4) I generally like myself.
5) I'm pretty good at thinking clearly when under stress.
6) Others have said I'm overly sensitive.
7) I'm often overwhelmed by sadness or anger.
8) When I'm upset, I use alcohol, drugs or food to help me feel better.
9) When my feelings are hurt, it stays with me for a long time.
10) I worry a lot.
11) I need to talk to my parent(s) almost every day.
12) I have a hard time listening to constructive criticism without getting angry or hurt.
13) When a best friend/partner disagrees with me, it's hard not to take it personally.
14) I have a hard time making decisions on my own.
15) It's very important to me that my parent(s) approve of my decisions.
16) When I'm upset, I don't want anyone to know.
17) I am uncomfortable accepting help from others.
18) In a relationship, I'm usually the one who wants more space.
19) There are people in my family who aren't on speaking terms.
20) When I go home to my parents' place, before long I'm itching to leave.
21) If I'm in conflict with someone in my family, I want to know who else is on my side.
22) If I'm upset with a close friend/partner, I'll usually talk about it with someone else.
23) I often get stuck in the middle between friends.
24) One of my parents often confides in me about the other.
25) I sometimes think I gossip too much.
Please complete the following demographic information about yourself:
Relationship Status:
Based on your answers, your suggested priority area(s) to work on are:
What does your priority area mean?
Solid Self has to do with having a clear and stable sense of who you are. If this is an area of challenge for you, you may still be trying to "find yourself," or you may be a bit of a chameleon, changing to suit whoever you're with. Your area of focus includes clarifying your personal values and principals, and gaining the tools and confidence to stay true to them.
Emotional Reactivity is the tendency to get carried away by intense feelings, which can sometimes feel like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You are a passionate person. Your area of focus is to learn how to notice your emotions, use them and enjoy them, while becoming more able to turn the intensity down and calm yourself when you want to.
Fusion refers to being so tightly connected to someone else that you risk losing sight of your separate identity. You may have intensely close, or intensely conflicted relationships. Your area of focus includes learning to be more inward-focussed, and to cultivate your individual goals and interests.
Cut-off is a tendency to avoid intense emotional connection either by leaving physically or disconnecting emotionally. You may pride yourself on independence and self-sufficiency, but may be missing out on more than you realize. Your challenge is to develop more open, meaningful relationships, starting with the people in your family.
Triangles is the tendency, when things get intense in a relationship, to involve a third person to diffuse the tension. You may find yourself being pulled into other people's conflicts, or needing reinforcements when your own relationships are strained. Your area of focus includes cultivating the ability to keep calm and work things out one-on-one.
For more information about Learning to Commit: Becoming Your Best Self to Find Your Best Match, please visit: www.learningtocommit.com/workbook
Note: If you’re using the book, alone or with a therapist, these
are your numerical scores to use in the LCI chapter:
Total: S: R: F: C: T: